Sunday is my wedding anniversary. We should be celebrating 29 years as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. We were supposed to grow old together. We were just getting started.
Soon, my parents will celebrate their 62nd wedding anniversary and my in-laws will celebrate their 58th. What a beautiful heritage they have given us! Jeremy and I were going to go the distance, too. We did all the things. We put in all the work. We read all the books, went to all the conferences. We kept dating each other, pursuing each other, learning each other. With God’s help, we had overcome some tremendous hurdles and learned big forgiveness so our relationship could be healthy and strong. He was healthy and strong. He loved Jesus, his family, and me as sacrificially as any man I’ve seen.
We had plans. Good plans. Kingdom plans.
Only we didn’t get a 60th… or a 50th. We didn’t even get a 25th. When I should have been planning our vow renewal, I was planning a funeral.
Twenty-four years, six months and one week as husband and wife, and then He was gone. Gone before helping his kids navigate dating… and college… and marriage. Gone before grandchildren. Gone before empty nest. Gone before our golden years. Gone before he even turned gray.
And I felt cheated.
I realize that doesn’t sound very “spiritual,” but perhaps it is relatable.
So, what should one do when she feels “robbed” by death and disappointed with God’s sovereign plan?
1. Tell Him.
I mean, He already knows anyway, so I may as well be honest. The Bible is full of passages of lament as a form of worship. From Job to David to Mary and Martha, we get a front row seat to the questions sufferers have asked through the ages. Sometimes they did get answers, but often the answer was just, “Trust me.”
2. Speak truth.
I spend a great deal of time preaching to myself. Not so much in self-condemnation, as to quiet the lies in my head. And not with profound sermonettes, but with the comforting voice of the Holy Spirit through Scripture. Think about the Psalms. Many start out with complaints and lament, only to end up praising God for who He is and what He’s done. It’s a spiritual discipline that will serve me well all my days.
3. Remember.
It’s important to not only remind myself of the truths of God’s Word, but also to remind myself of the truths of my own experience. That’s why God tells His people again and again to set up remembrances . He knows we are prone to forget His goodness. And He knows how desperately we need to remember. It is absolutely life-giving to rehearse God’s faithfulness to you. It breathes life into you and it breathes life into all who hear your story.
It’s true; I won’t get to grow old with the husband of my youth. I won’t get to see him go bald or toss baseballs with his grandchildren. And, in my flesh, that is sometimes still hard to accept.
But this is also true: God is good. He is the lover of my soul and holder of my right hand. He’s a promise keeper. He’s my defender and provider; the lifter of my head. He is my joy and my salvation. He is the giver of all good things. I have not been cheated.
The Lord has been a tender and compassionate husband to me these past few years. He has been faithful to me all my days, and I don’t expect He will stop being faithful now.
My story isn’t over. He is still working. He is still writing. He is still using my story.
And when I grow old and my eyes grow dim, I will still be able to see His hand on every page.
