The Forgotten Widow

My newfound marital status has opened my eyes to an overlooked demographic in the church. I’m talking about the widow. Oh, how this must break the heart of the Father! We can do better, Church. We must do better!

Did you know:

• 50% of widows leave their church in the first year of widowhood?
• 60% experience a serious illness within the first year?
• After the death of her spouse, a widow loses about 75% of her support system?
• Many widows experience poverty for the first time?
• One third of women, upon becoming widows, meet the criteria for clinical depression within two months? (One year later one half of those are still clinically depressed.)

Note: These statistics could also apply to any woman who has lost her husband for any reason. We don’t want any of our wounded leaving the church! They need the family of God, and the family of God needs them.

So what can you do?

Here are some things I’ve seen done well (and some, maybe not so well) in the past 2 years:

1. Sit with her in church. The reminders of all that was and all that is no more are never more poignant than when we follow our old routines without our partner by our side. She sees everyone else sitting where they always sat and she feels very, very alone. Change things up and physically surround her for that hour at church. You get to go home with your person. She doesn’t.
2. Call or visit during the week. Six days can feel endless when they are filled with emptiness. Whether she admits it or not, she needs you.
3. Don’t judge or condemn. Grief is hard enough without feeling like she has to hide her agony for your sake. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.
4. Talk about him. Say his name. Let her share memories. Better yet, share some of your memories of him with her.
5. Let her cry if she needs to. Bring tissues and cry with her.
6. Don’t be afraid of her pain. She may be angry for a season. Don’t abandon her. Press in! She needs unconditional love now, more than ever.
7. Try to meet her practical needs. This doesn’t always mean money. It may look like a genuine hug (many widows go weeks at a time without any physical touch), fixing a leaky toilet, or going with her to a difficult appointment. She probably won’t ask, so you’ll have to ask the Holy Spirit to show you what you can do. Even a heartfelt card in the mail or a small gift on her doorstep can make a huge difference.
8. Pray for her, but also pray with her. She lost her prayer partner and needs to hear her name spoken to God once again. You may be surprised to find that her newfound reliance upon God has made her a powerful prayer warrior and you will greatly benefit from her prayers, as well.
9. If she decides to leave anyway, don’t take it personally and don’t give up on her. Help her find a new church where she can find a new normal. So many churchgoers “ghost” people who leave, but that is not what Christ expects from His body. Church is not a place. WE are the Church!

Caring for widows is a biblical mandate. James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” If you are a Christian, widow ministry is YOUR job. (Read that again!) It’s also a barometer by which your spiritual atmosphere can be measured. I didn’t say so — God did.

I can’t tell you it will be easy. It won’t. But it will be worth it.

And one day, you’ll look back and realize that the widow made as much of a difference in your life as you made in hers. ❤️

The Pastor’s Widow 2022