When someone knows everything about you — your flaws, your idiosyncrasies, your weaknesses — yet loves you completely with zero reservations; that is an invaluable gift. But like many gifts, we often don’t realize the enormity of the treasure until it’s gone.
I know. I’m there.
When it came to me, Jeremy was one of the most selfless people I’ve ever known. There was almost nothing he wouldn’t do for me. My family stood in awe of his love for me and told me so, often. I can be a lot to handle, but I don’t think anyone ever heard him complain. He once told me that it was his life’s mission to discover everything about me. I don’t think he was kidding. He knew me better than I knew myself, and he loved all of me.
Since losing him, I wrestle with losing me. I dread this life of not being known. Or worse: being known and not loved.
The desire to be known and loved is not unique to me, nor is it new. There is a story on the Bible about a woman who was utterly alone. Hagar was a pregnant, abused slave on the run in a foreign land, with limited rations on hand. Unknown, unseen, uncared-for, hopeless, helpless and unloved, her situation seemed grim.
But God…
“The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert…” God stooped down to where Hagar sat, alone and afraid, and said, “I see you.” Then, with renewed strength, Hagar gave God a brand new name. “So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, ‘You are a God of seeing,’ for she said, ‘Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.'”
El Roi.
In Psalm 139, David says it this way: “Lord, You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely.”
Fully known.
Then, just a few chapters later in Psalm 143: “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.”
Fully loved.
After the baby is born, Hagar finds herself alone in the desert again, forsaken and desperate. And again, El Roi meets her there. Known and loved by the Father, she is refreshed and her strength, renewed. God never left her.
It’s true: I may never in this life be known and loved by another human as fully as I was known and loved by Jeremy. I may never again be spoiled with morning coffee and nightly neck rubs. There may never be another who wants to discover everything about me. It’s entirely possible that I’m just “too much.”
But God…
In full knowledge and unconditional love, God stoops down to where I sit, alone and afraid, and says, “I see you.” He knows me better than I know myself – all of my flaws, my idiosyncrasies, and my weaknesses – yet He loves all of me, with no reservations. What a treasure!
He knows me, yet He loves me.
And He’ll never, ever leave me alone.
TPW 2/17/22
