Three years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room, in the middle of a miscarriage, facing the very real possibility that we were about to lose our fourteen-year-old to anorexia. It was also the anniversary of the passing away of our first sweet baby girl. To say I was afraid would be a gross understatement. I already knew the agony of burying a daughter, and my entire body recoiled at the thought of living through it again.
I had thought I was healed.
I had thought I had grown.
I had thought my faith was stronger.
I was wrong.
I still wasn’t strong enough. Not for this!
But once again, God would prove to be enough.
.
“Faith & Fear: both require you to believe in something you cannot see. You choose.”
Those were words I had once written in my journal. The choice was mine. It seemed so simple. And during most of the daylight hours, I chose faith. But, as with many choices, continuing to choose faith over fear, every minute of every day – and in those wee lonely hours of the dark nights – proved more difficult. At night, I was alone with my thoughts. At night, the alarms kept alerting me that our sweet girl’s heart rate was in the 30’s (sometimes dipping into 20’s) and my mind kept returning to Karissa. I had believed with every fiber of my being that my baby would be healed, only to watch her heart rate slowly drop, drop, drop until it was at zero. Her healing was not to be, here on this earth.
So what does one do when faced with her greatest fear, knowing that, last time, her fears became reality?
1) She does what the man with the epileptic son did in Mark 9:24 and cries out, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” This prayer acknowledges that without God we simply cannot believe as we ought to believe.
2) She recognizes that faith is the antidote to fear. David experienced fear and wrote to God in response, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you” (Psalm 56:3)
3) She relies on the prayers of others, especially the Holy Spirit, to cover her in her weakness.
Romans 8:26-27 says, “the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”
4) She remembers that God promises us that we can experience peace in every situation. His peace “surpasses all understanding” and “will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).
5) She recalls that He redeems everything, even the horribly painful things in her life, and makes them beautiful for His glory. He hasn’t failed her yet, and this will not be the first time.
To me, one of the most beautiful Scriptures is Luke 22:31-32. Just before Peter denies him three times Jesus says to him, “Simon, Simon! Listen! Satan has received permission to test all of you, to separate the good from the bad, as a farmer separates the wheat from the chaff. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith will not fail. And when you turn back to me, you must strengthen your brothers.” Get this: Jesus intercedes for us, not that we may never face trials, but that our faith would survive them, so that we will allow Him to redeem our pain and failures by using them to help others.
I’m so thankful that God was not done with this girl of mine, and that He saw fit to loan her to me for a while longer. I’m thankful that the answer was “yes” that time.
This past October, the answer to my earnest prayers was not “yes.” His will for Jeremy was different than mine. His healing was not to be in this life. I didn’t get more time with him. But the lessons are the same. And the answer is the same. Jesus. Only Jesus. He never fails me. He will never leave me. He won’t forget or forsake me. And He never gives up on me.
And so, this is my prayer: that He would continue to grow in me a faith that withstands the storms and a submissiveness that will allow Him to use my stories to build His Kingdom.
3/6/2022
