I am determined to not let any of my pain get wasted. Which means, whenever I am in a trial, I do a lot of soul searching and scripture searching. I want to know how this is supposed to change me and what goodness God is going to bring out of it. Often, that soul searching and scripture searching leads me to some hard truths. This week, God keeps bringing me back to these two words: “let go.”
In 2000, when my daughter died, letting go was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, 3 years after we buried Karissa, I finally told God that he could have her. Three years! And let me tell you, those were the most miserable years of my life.
Last October, when it became apparent that Jeremy wasn’t going to make it, I held his hand and told God that He could have him. I quoted Jesus’s words in the garden: “if it be possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done.” A tear slipped from Jeremy’s left eye. I believe he prayed that prayer with me that night. I also believe that it brought him some peace to know that I was submitting my will to God’s.
So I did it. I let go. Right? Not exactly.
Over the past 6 months, I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to hold on to what I have left of my marriage and my life with Jeremy. I’ve held on to things, people, tasks, community, control… And the things I couldn’t hold on to, I have grieved deeply. Now, I’m not saying that a spiritual person doesn’t feel secondary losses. I’m also not saying that we shouldn’t hold on to anything that was part of our previous life. I am saying that I need to let God decide those things.
A few days ago, I rewatched a lesson I taught a year ago in which I talked about releasing things into the hands of the Father. The scripture I referenced is one that has come to mind at least a dozen times in the past week or so. “Forgetting those things that are behind and reaching forward to those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14 hit me between the eyes. If I want to run the remainder of my race well, I must. let. go. Does this mean that I have to forget about my life with my husband and never think of it again? No, of course not. Everything that has happened to me has made me into who I am today. And I look back on my life with thankfulness. I’m never going to forget Jeremy, and I shouldn’t! I’m going to keep his memory alive for the rest of my life. For my children and my grandchildren and the legacy he left here on this earth. But if I am grasping tightly to all that was, then God can’t pour out blessings of what will be into my hands that are already full. This is not an easy lesson for a grieving widow. I’ve wrestled with this one. My heart and my mind are struggling to agree. But I know the truth. The truth is that God doesn’t want me to live the rest of my life clinging to my past. Holding on to all the things. Looking back.
A runner knows to keep his eyes on the finish line. He knows that looking back will slow him down. Veer him off course. Trip him up. Perhaps even cause him to lose the race. Like it or not, we are runners in this race called life. I don’t Know about you, but I want to end well. I’m not sure why I’m still here, but I know that I want to live the remainder of my life to make Jeremy proud and to glorify God.
So, how do I let go of what holds me back while still honoring the gift of what was? That’s something God is going to have to show me every day. With every choice, letting go of the illusion of control. With every secondary loss, letting go of what isn’t best. With each new hurdle, letting go of unrealized expectations. Until one day, I will catch a glimpse of the finish line and amongst the great cloud of witnesses, my precious Jesus and my beloved Jeremy will smile and say, “that’s my girl!”
April 22, 2022