Today was just one of those days. I love rollercoasters, but not the emotional kind. I get frustrated with myself when I have days like this. I think I’m doing so well and then, bam! I can’t stop crying. It’s especially frustrating when these moments happen in front of people. People who are at the beginning of this grief journey. People for whom I’d like to be strong. But there I was, a shivering mess of snot, tears, dirt and leaves… and there was no escape.
In these moments, I think it’s important to remind ourselves that grief is natural and healthy. Tears have cleansing power. Suffering makes us softer. Compassion grows out of our pain. Deep love lends itself to deep grief. And some days (weeks) are harder than others.
Once in a while, I need to lean into my grief. No, I don’t want to build a house and live there, but it’s good to visit now and then. To embrace the hard instead of running from it. To be fully present in all the moments. Oh, yes, it will hurt, but the intensity of this pain will not last forever. God will get me through it and He will get the glory from it. Even when those moments happen when you wish they wouldn’t.
God ordained those moments in the cemetery today. My vulnerability brought us all a chance to shed some cleansing tears. My friends provided for me some much-needed human touch. I hope I provided for them permission to grieve fully. Our shared tears reminded us to pray for each other. We were reminded that we aren’t alone.
So, yes, I visited my grief today. I won’t live there, but visiting now and then has made me softer. I have planted seeds of compassion and watered them with my tears. I visit less often these days, but I never want to forget. I never want to be so strong that I forget to be gentle. I never want to forget that God stoops down into my pain in those tender moments and reminds me that He is here. I never want to forget how far His grace has brought me. Oh, yes, remembering is ever so much better than forgetting!
Today was a time to mourn. Those dark days don’t happen as often as they once did, but I’m learning to accept them when they come, for they make me appreciate the sunny days all the more.
JANUARY 7, 2023