Exactly one year and one day from the death of my beloved husband, I had the first of three surgeries to remove cancer from my body. More specifically, a double mastectomy. The latest in a long line of significant losses. It hurt that God was making me walk this road without Jeremy. It hurt that my children were fearful of losing another parent. It hurt that speaking engagements were canceled and plans were put on hold. It hurt to walk away from my ministry to take a season of rest. I wanted to believe that this, too, was working for good, but this was so hard to accept.
Why now? Why now, when I am a new single mom? Why now, when I need to get a job? Why now, when my children are still reeling from the sudden loss of their daddy? Why now, when I don’t have someone to hold my hand and drive me to appointments and tell me I’m beautiful, no matter what happens to my body?
But, as He often does, God did miraculous things in the midst of the storm. He surrounded me with true and faithful friends. He provided a temporary income with a wonderful ministry. He placed us with a loving body of believers for a season of rest. He gave me this incredible platform with all of you, where I get an outlet for my grief and the blessed opportunity to encourage others in theirs. He grew my faith and the faith of my girls. My body let me down, but my God did not.
Although I have had some complications and am still struggling to heal completely, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to be able to say that I am now considered cancer-free. I am fully aware of what a privilege that is and I do not take it lightly. I will still probably struggle a bit with the loss. I will probably always wish that Jeremy was here to walk me through this. But, yet again, I have gotten to know God in a new and wonderful way through this trial. And, yet again, He was fully capable of being everything I needed Him to be.
He even thinks I’m beautiful, just the way I am.