Oh boy. I was really hoping to skip this part of the grief process. I mean, everyone warned me -especially other widows – but I was praying I would be the exception. “Get ready for the rage!” they told me. “But who would I be mad at?” I thought.
Maybe the whole world.
It’s interesting that the Bible doesn’t tell us not to get angry. God knows it’s a necessary emotion that can motivate us to action. He does, however, tell us not to sin in our anger. That’s the problem, though, isn’t it? When I get angry, I snap at the people I love most. I say things I don’t mean. I’m annoyed and impatient. The people I would never, ever want to hurt are the ones that get the outward displays of my inward struggle. I’m like an animal in a trap who bites at the hand trying to rescue it.
And that’s what makes it sin.
I’ve been confessing a good bit lately. Apologizing often. Praying a lot. Crying, even. So how do I break this cycle of hurting people because I’m hurting? How do I reset my brain to get out of this fight or flight holding pattern?
First, identify the root cause. Anger is an outward manifestation of an inward problem. It usually stems from hurt, frustration or fear. In my case, I believe hurt/pain is at the root of my anger, but if I’m honest, I also struggle with fear of the unknown and frustration with my circumstances, so I’m going to take a hard look at all three.
Then, identify the hurt, the fear or the frustration. Call them out by name. What is hurting me? Is this a real hurt (the death of my husband) or a perceived hurt (nobody else loves me) and what is the truth? Why am I frustrated? Am I disappointed with God? Am I grasping for control? What do I fear?
If you want to kill a plant, you must dig up the root. But how?
I’m not a medical professional, but here are some things I wrote down for myself.
Physically:
• Drink water – we all know the benefits of drinking enough water. Just do it.
• Eat healthy – or, in my case, eat something!
• Exercise – it releases natural endorphins and generally makes you feel better. It also gives you a physical outlet for all that pent up emotion.
• Get some sunshine and get your hands or feet in some dirt – did you know that’s a natural antidepressant?!
• Take vitamins – especially D, B vitamins and Omega 3s
• Sleep – the brain requires rest in order to heal, especially from trauma
• Stretch – stress causes tight muscles, which cause physical pain
• Meds – there is no shame in asking the doctor for something for anxiety until you get a handle on your grief, but do not self medicate
Emotionally:
• Listen to happy music – music can dictate emotions, so choose wisely
• Laugh, dance, sing – I know this seems impossible, but find a way. It’s medicine.
• Breathe deeply – this will help calm you
• Read – something NOT about grief
• Get out of the house -experience something new
Spiritually:
• Meditate -find key verses about your root issue and memorize them, stick them on your refrigerator, whatever it takes to rewire the pathways in your brain.
• Journal – some journal entries are meant to be written and then destroyed. Others, you will want to read again. Writing out your thoughts will help get them out of your head so you can process them. Try writing out your prayers. Also write out scripture. Jesus used scripture to reject the lies of Satan. Why would we not do the same?
• Counseling – Talk it through with someone who will point you to the hope found in Christ alone
• Seek forgiveness if necessary
• Most importantly, pray. The One who created you is the only one who can effectively root out the fear, frustration and hurt in your heart. He is able to heal what time, substances and therapy never can.
Mentally:
• Choose – I didn’t get a choice about whether or not loss and trauma invade my life, but I do get to choose whether or not to build a house there.
• Trust – I have a Maker and He knows my name.
Beware of anger. Whether it displays itself aggressively or passive-aggressively, it is a dangerous emotion that usually hurts those who love us and drives them away. It may be a natural part of the grieving process, but left to grow roots, it will yield the fruit of bitterness, and poison our own souls.
Here are some verses to get us started:
2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind .
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Note to self: I will never heal my wounds by wounding someone else. 
April 14, 2022