If I told you my story…
I see my life in three chapters. Chapter one was my life before Jeremy. Chapter two was my life with Jeremy. Chapter three is yet to be written. My prayer is that, if you stick with me, you will get a front row seat to a beautiful ending to a tale that could only have been crafted by the hand of a loving Creator.
For the sake of time, I’m going to give you the Cliffs Notes version . Let’s start with chapter 2.
If I told you about the second 23.5 years of my story, I would tell you about Bible College sweethearts and a call to ministry. I would also have to tell you about a beautiful and beloved, special-needs child, the childhood death of a firstborn, and the loneliness of profound grief. I would tell you of church hurt and loss of community. I’d speak of two failed adoptions, infertility, five miscarriages, a debilitating autoimmune disease and sibling death. My story would include a daughter with a life-threatening eating disorder and a prodigal son. I would tell you how it feels to be set aside and left to wonder if God is done with you.
The last thing I would have to tell you would include ministering during a worldwide pandemic and the tragic death of an amazing man of God. I would have to share with you the pain of watching my children grieve and grow up without their daddy. I’d share the agony of watching a church in turmoil from the loss of their under-shepherd. I’d express my heartbreak over what his loss meant to a community and to the Kingdom. And I’d surely be compelled to tell you of a cancer journey that I subsequently walked without the man who cared for me so well.
If I told you my story, I would also gladly tell you of the Christlike love of a godly man, an enviable marriage, two successful adoptions and three healthy baby girls. I would talk of joy in serving Jesus as a family and of seasons of healing and undeserved forgiveness and grace. I would tell you of souls saved and lives changed by the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I would tell you about wrestling with my faith and finding Jesus to be everything He said He was. I would tell you of the good, good Father who has tenderly cared for my children, the Lover of my soul who never once left me alone, and the best Friend who stooped down beside me in my suffering, wiped my bitter tears and set me on my feet, once again.
I would talk of miraculous provision, exceeding all that we even asked or imagined. I would speak of peace that passes understanding and comfort that defies even the most devastating grief. I would tell you of praise in the midst of the storm and grace that breathes life into that which was dead.
And I would tell you about hope. Hope in the only one who is truly worthy. Hope in eternity and the resurrection of those I have loved and lost. Hope for today and hope for the future. Hope in the promise that my present sufferings cannot even compare to the glory that awaits me.
You see, to tell you my story is to tell of the One who writes my story–and every story. Because of all of those tear-stained pages, I know Him so much better. Because of the plot twists, I’ve learned to run to the Author. Because He is there, in every chapter, I’ve learned to truly see Him. And because I came to understand that I’m not the main character of this story, I’m learning to trust Him.
Oh, I had heard of Him all through that first chapter of my story. In fact, like so many, I knew all about Him. But now, because I have been afflicted, I KNOW Him.
This is my story: God is good. God is faithful. God is merciful and kind and gentle and compassionate. He is holy and perfect and righteous and unfailing. He makes no mistakes. He doesn’t waste my pain. He is enough. In fact, He is ever so much more than I could imagine. And He. loves. me.
My story isn’t over yet. Neither is yours. My life will forever be changed by the chapter that was. But chapter two wasn’t the end of my story. And because the Author isn’t finished with me yet, I will continue to the next page, and the next… ever reminding myself to trust the pen to Him.
Because it’s not really my story, after all.
12/2022