Not Strong, And That’s Okay

Can we just be real?
I’m not as strong as some people think I am.
There. I said it.

I could lie to you and say that I wasn’t sobbing in my bed at 4am, begging God to wake me up from a horrible nightmare. But I was. Only I wasn’t asleep, and this is my life.

I could tell you that things magically got easier at the one year mark. But they didn’t. Some days are still really awful.

I could make everyone feel better by posting only smiling pictures of my happy-again family. But that’s only half of the truth. Sometimes we smile. Sometimes, we still cry.

I could pretend that I’m never angry; I never snap at my children or question God’s ways. But let’s be honest; who would believe that anyway?

I could write out lofty prayers so you wouldn’t know that I’ve struggled to pray for the past 14 months. Oh, I still pray for others, but I’m not sure how to ask for what I want any more.

Why am I confessing this? Because you need to know you’re not alone. You don’t need to hide behind closed doors because you can’t meet expectations. You don’t always need to paste a smile on your face before you walk into church. You don’t even need to measure your progress by my measuring stick! If you are making any progress at all, you are winning.

I’m learning this lesson from my own body these days. Compromised circulation makes me a slow healer. Jeremy not being here to take care of me is setting me back even more. I’ve been frustrated. I’ve been discouraged. It’s been two steps forward, one step back the whole way.

But a wise friend recently told me, two steps forward and one step back is still progress!

Do I still cry myself to sleep every night? No. That’s progress. Have some things gotten better with time? Yes. That’s progress. Do we again have laughter and joy in our home? Yes! That’s progress. Am I angry with God? No. That’s progress. Do I still talk to the Father and enjoy being in his presence? Absolutely! That’s progress. And progress is a win.

So, yeah… there are days I think I can conquer the world. And there are days I want to pull the covers over my head. Those are the days I beat myself up for not being stronger. It’s funny how pride makes us expect more of ourselves than God expects of us. Psalm 103 says that our Father is tender and compassionate toward us because He knows what we are made of; He remembers that we are only dust.

I could lie to you and pretend I’m perfect, but that wouldn’t make me very relatable, would it? The truth is, I’m not really all that strong. And that’s okay, because I don’t have to be. I just need to cast my burden on the One who promises to carry it for me. And when I am too weak to even cast, He carries me, as well.

TPW 12/6/22