My cousin lost three fingers from his right hand when he was a teenager. Many years later, he still suffered with phantom pain. Phantom pain is pain that feels like it’s coming from a body part that’s no longer there. Although the limb is gone, the damaged nerve endings at the site of the amputation continue to send pain signals to the brain and spinal cord. Phantom limb pain can improve with time, but it may lead to a lifelong battle with chronic pain.
Grief is much like an amputation. You’ve lost a significant part of yourself. Your brain can’t really comprehend such a loss, so it starts misfiring all over the place. Suddenly, everything is amplified, and numb, all at the same time. Everything hurts, even things that aren’t “there.” The problem is, there’s no good way to assuage this kind of pain, because the source is invisible. The intensity of agony may lessen over time, but for many, the condition is chronic. It can be triggered at any time and when it is, it comes back with a vengeance. I experienced this phenomenon when I stood at Jeremy’s grave and suddenly realized the only other person who had really known our daughter was now gone. In that moment, I grieved Karissa all over again.
Another thing about amputations is that they don’t grow back. My cousin learned how to function without his fingers. He even got a special steering wheel and glove that helped him drive a semi. He was almost fully functional. But there were things he’d never quite be able to do again. And he was always acutely aware of what was missing.
Can one learn to live without their spouse? They can. Will they ever be the same? They will not. Over time, with care and prayer (and possibly therapy,) God will bring healing to the open wound and one can learn to function again. Moment by moment. One slow step by one slow step. But there is no “growing back” or even returning to life as you once knew it. You have to learn a new normal. And a new normal is anything but normal.
The good news is, there is grace for the journey. There is help if you seek it out. There is healing if you go to the Healer. And one glorious day, there will be restoration if you follow Jesus Christ.
My cousin passed away almost three years ago. He is now perfect and whole and in the presence of the Father. In this life, our losses will always be a significant part of who we are. But one day, they will be redeemed and restored and we will see all the beauty that came out of our suffering. Until then, we walk by faith.
Because we have this hope: our pain has a purpose and one glorious day, it will be worth it all. Even this.
1/4/2022
