Softer…Or Stronger

I wish I were stronger.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill you makes you stronger.” In many ways, that’s true. Studies have actually shown that many people who survive tragedy come out stronger and better adjusted for having gone through the trauma. Honestly, you’d think I’d be Wonder Woman by now! But I’m actually a lot more like Mary Jane Watson.

I suppose I can see areas where I have become stronger. But more often than not, I just keep falling flat on my face; reminded that I’m a mess. For the past 11 months it seems like, for every right decision, I made two wrong ones. I bite my tongue for weeks, just to say something ugly in a late-night conversation. I step out in faith, believing God is leading me, only to lie awake all night in doubt when things don’t go as I expected. I soldier on through big battles, only to collapse into a puddle of tears over an unkind word. I “give it to God” and then take it back. Again.

It seems to me like I used to be stronger. It seems to me like the more I grow in my faith, the weaker I find myself to be.

Maybe that’s the point.

The apostle Paul was a force to be reckoned with, before he met Jesus. As Saul, he was greatly respected, and greatly feared. Paul was transformed that day on the road to Damascus. He received a new life and a new name, but not a new personality. So he was given an affliction in order that he would learn to rely on God’s strength and not his own. In 2Corinthians 12:9, he said he was thankful for his infirmities because they allowed him to experience the power of Christ. He goes on to say, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

That sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? When I’m weak, I’m strong? What does that even mean? I’m no theologian, but I believe Paul was saying:

  1. When I am at my weakest, I am most dependent on the Lord.

I don’t usually have to ask for help to do laundry or walk up the stairs, but several years ago I had an autoimmune flare-up that made me incredibly weak. I couldn’t lift my toddler or even get out of bed without help. I was completely dependent on Jeremy’s strength to do even the most simple tasks. He proved to be a patient and loving caregiver, but I may never have known that side of him if I hadn’t experienced the inability to take care of myself.

How often do I pray for God’s strength when I’m experiencing success? I am quick to rely on my own strength and abilities. Oh, but when I am not up to the task? When the hurdle is too big and the weight is too heavy? Then, I turn to the Father to strengthen and sustain me. No, I would have never fully experienced his power and grace unless I had been humbled by weakness.

  1. The thing that softens me also makes me more usable.

I never played baseball, but Jeremy did, so I know that a brand new ball glove isn’t very useable. Before one can even use a new glove, he has to condition it and break it in. The process of breaking in a glove can include heating it up, beating it with a mallet, rubber banding it closed with a ball in the pocket, and using it to play catch. This process can take a couple of weeks. In fact, there is no safe way to break in a baseball glove overnight without also damaging the leather. It is only in the laborious “breaking in” that the glove becomes softer and more usable.

There is no quick and easy way to become moldable and useful for the Kingdom. It is only by the heating and the pounding and the breaking in that we become soft enough to be of use in the Master’s hand.

Do I still wish I were stronger? Sure. But that’s my flesh speaking. Doing it in my own strength brings no glory to the Father. And isn’t that the whole purpose of my life?

If Mary Jane were Wonder Woman, there would be no need for Spider Man. And if I had superhuman grit and tenacity, I would pridefully act as if I had no need for God. So, what if being strong isn’t the goal, after all? What if the goal is to be more dependent on Jesus than ever before?

Perhaps it would be better to say it this way:

That which did not kill me made me softer.”


September 3, 2022

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